The Ramblings of Amazingness by Jenny J Bean

Just another WordPress.com weblog

Remembering Home. October 23, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 8:18 pm

As I sit here, listening to my dad play some of his favorite oldies on the piano and the thunder outside, I start to tear up. I hope that he keeps playing so that he doesn’t come out here and see me before I stop… Oh well. If he does, so be it. I had an incredible day. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fully explain why, but I’ll try. Being where I grew up is one of the strangest things– Yesterday, I walked through a grocery store and found myself smelling something familiar– it immediately took me back to a cooking class that I must have taken in 2nd or 3rd grade. It seems like something so insignificant, but it was like I was just there, learning how to bake oatmeal muffins (of course I couldn’t bake you on oatmeal muffin today to save my life), but all of the sudden, I knew exactly where I was–

That’s how I felt when I walked into my grandparents’ house today. I should probably call it Granddad’s and Dorothy’s house, but I don’t for two reasons– 1. Granddad has been remarried for almost 13 years, and I love his wife very much- so she qualifies as a grandparent. 2. That house will always be Granddad and Grandma’s house. It doesn’t seem like a label should be that important, but for some unexplainable reason it is and will always be. I’m not even there all that often nowadays, and neither are my grandparents, as they live half the year on the East Coast– I’m only there once or twice a year for a few minutes to say hi before going out to lunch at best, but I used to be. All the time. When I was little. The sights, sounds, smells, and feel of that place are not erasable. It was a place where, no matter how I hard I tried (or didn’t try), I could do no wrong. It was a place that I could do or be whatever I could dream of. A place where everyone was always proud of me, and no one was ever scarce in telling me so. A place where, despite the real and present lack of interesting things to do, never bored me. It was a place that was invincible– where there was always breakfast in the morning, piles and piles of presents during the holidays, a joke to be told, or a hug and a kiss to be had. I was loved and could love there unconditionally. If you asked me yesterday, I would have told you that I didn’t remember having a place like that. I realize now that not only did I have a place like that, but that I still do. More than one. More than two even. And that it was never really even about the place, it was and still is about the people that are there when I get there.

In thinking about all this, I wondered why I wouldn’t have thought about any of this before now, and I realized that I haven’t wanted to. It’s connected to all sorts of wonderful memories, but also to a lot of loss and pain. I’ve managed to keep myself so consistently preoccupied for so long, that it’s become far too easy to bury both the the wonderful and the not-so- wonderful feelings and memories that I used to know (and how incredibly ironic and human that they’re often one in the same thing). I suppose that’s part of the reason I operate the way I do. Thinking is dangerous. If I don’t have time to think, I don’t– so, easy fix, I don’t leave myself any time to think.

I realized through all this that I’ve pretty much succeeded in burying the things that used to hurt. The downside is, in the process, I’ve managed to all but bury some of the wonderful stuff too–


Dear JJBean,

I’m just about ready for some of my stuff back. Please dig up and return.

Thanks!
~Jenny

Advertisements
 

Dayenu.

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 1:42 am

I really need to stop feeling the need to apologize when I have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I have this nasty habit of feeling guilty and apologizing for so many things that I do in some way: for spending money, for choosing to be an actor, for my feelings, for taking an interest in something, for not taking an interest in something, for having the last bite, for taking up someone’s time, for going to the gym, for not going to the gym, I feel guilty for lots of things that I shouldn’t, and now, I’ve officially had it. I’m good enough damn it. No apologies. Me and my non-Feng Shui room. Me and my love affair with playing the piano despite my decidedly mediocre skills. Me and my 18 jobs. Me and my fear of being disliked. Me and my not always doing things with people because I particularly like the things we’re doing, but doing them because I enjoy the company and I know they make the people I’m with happy. Me and my constant search for new perspectives. Me and my body that doesn’t always live up to my mind’s expectations. Me and my generally fuzzy view of what I really want. Me and my utter discontent with boredom. Me and my random fleeting obsessions. Me and my undying devotion, pride, and excitement for the people I care about. Me and my soul that I wear on my sleeve for anyone at all to see if they’re paying attention. Me and Me. All of me.



No more apologizing.

 

Part of the World… September 18, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 12:56 pm

I’m looking for a spark. Maybe it’s coming, maybe it’s not. Maybe I already found it. Not sure. It’s been a few months since I’ve written… mostly because I haven’t had much to say. After my trip to Israel and discovered a new ravenous desire to be a part of the world– I don’t quite know how to explain it — the culture, the politics, the sadness, the joy, the variety, the tediousness– I want to experience it all. Everything is grander– more romantic, and in more technicolor than it used to be. It’s like, all of the sudden, I’m living in an MGM musical– everything is a song and dance.



Since the last update, I have started rehearsal for three shows– I’m very excited to be working on so many projects! I am playing Friar Tuck in a version of Robin Hood, a drunk girl in a sketch comedy/monologue show, and a ‘angelesque’ bartender that masterminds an encounter between three famous theater/film artists. It’s wonderful to be working on so many great things– now I have to keep them all straight and not burn out (the real challenge).

Okay– rehearsal in the morning. Got to go to sleep… no other time to get sleep…

Good night!

Back. At least for today.

JJ BEAN

 

July 17 July 30, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 1:00 am

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Mostly because my commitment to writing regularly was up, but also because I’ve been attempting to try a new way of doing life at the moment. I’m so used to overhauling at a thousand miles an hour that when I have a minute of free time, I desperately look for something constructive to do– Which I feel like I shouldn’t always need. Sometimes I should be able to be okay relaxing and getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I feel like a character in a SIMs game. If you’ve ever played it, you know that Sims can earn points by doing this– a creativity skill point for playing the piano, a cooking skill point for learning a new recipe, an athletic skill point for working out. That’s how I feel. I’m on the constant move to gain as many points in as many categories as I can before my ‘energy’ bar is so low that I start to fall asleep standing up. I spent 6 hours trying to relax today before finally rearranging my room to make room for my piano to have a permanent spot (not put away under my bed). Then I was finally able to relax and play a little piano…

 

Birthday Week! June 19, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 12:21 am

Hi Everyone!

This is the first time I’ve written since I officially crossed into mid-20’s-dom! My birthday week was awesome. I had 4 birthday dinner (a new record I think).

Dinner 1: Benihana
Parents, Sister, Brother, Grandparents, Aunt, Uncle, one of my best friends from Dallas, Cousins
-Steak and Shrimp– I looove Benihanas!

Dinner 2: Mi Cocina *My Actual Birthday*
Parents, Brother, Sister
-Fajitas and Queso (Yummy!)

Dinner 3: Caliente Cab Co.
Census Friends
-Appetizers
-Frozen Sangria (So good!)
-Was too full for real dinner. Sigh

Dinner 4: Swizz and Trump Tower for Dessert
My Friends (and one of my cousins)
-Cheese Fondue
-Lamb Chops
and
-Some amazing Rhubarb Concoction (one of my friend’s desserts came with a piece of edible gold paper)- leave it to Trump…





I made the same wish on every candle– the first night’s candle was half gone by the time I decided and blew it out. Come to think of it, I make the same wish every year in so many words. My roommates joke that it must be world peace. I tell them that I’m a teensy bit more selfish than that.

I’m going to Israel on Sunday. I’m soooo excited– but I’m also devastated that I’m going to miss one of my close friend’s wedding. They set the date after I got a spot for a free 10 day Israel tour 😦 I was going to go tomorrow to the Saturday events, but we decided we’re going to have a rain check date where we’ll do something really special- just the two of us.


Then, after I get back, my Aunts, Uncle, Sister, and Grandparents will be in New York for the 4th of July weekend. I’m so excited that they’re coming! Hopefully we’ll see the fireworks and catch a show or two…


That’s it for now. I’m not bringing my computer to Israel, so I’ll try to journal a bit so that I can recap when I get back. So excited. Never been off the good ‘ole isle of North America before…


Jenny J Bean

 

I’m 25 Now and… June 10, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 10:23 pm

Nope. Nothing’s changed. Except I’m in a really good mood. And I love being with my family! And I’m looking forward to an extended birthday weekend of goodness (maybe even week if I can swing it). And and I’m psyched to really get back in the acting game again. And officially take my life back from the census. And go to Israel. And see the fireworks from my island (finally!). And a whole bunch of other amazing things that I’m ridiculously optimistic about. I’m going to take total advantage of it while I can 🙂 Oh, and today was technically supposed to be the official end of the JJ Bean blog project. We’ll see…

Off to enjoy the last 1 1/2 hour of my birthday! (Central Time).

Love Always,

Jenny J Bean

also known in her 25 years of existence as:

Jennifer Pennifer, Jenny Penny, Jenner Penner, Jennifer Jill, The Red Keppe, The Red Kep, The Kep, Boo, Jennybean, Jenanana, My Favorite Oldest Granddaughter, Jenalah, Jenny Penny Pants, Penny Pants, Pants, Jennifer, Jen, JJ, JP, and Just Plain ol’ Jenny

 

It’s Almost My Birthday Central Standard Time June 9, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 11:22 pm

It’s my birthday in New York. Yikes. I’m in Dallas, so almost… All this build up and nothing’s different so far. I’ll tell you in the morning if I feel different. I technically enter the second half of my 20’s at 8am Central Time (although I was born 2 weeks late so maybe it technically already came and went). As with every other year of my life, I’ll probably sleep right through my official ‘birthday time’. Once in a while, I’ll wake up suddenly right before 8… and I’ll think to myself ‘YAY it’s my birthday’ and ‘time to go back to sleep- I get to sleep in on my birthday’… I’ll let you know if it happens. Maybe 25 will feel different– maybe I’ll get a new lease on life… more constructive, less stressful, happier????