The Ramblings of Amazingness by Jenny J Bean

Just another weblog

Running. In a Whirlpool. June 1, 2010

Filed under: Randomness — The Ramblings of Amazingness By Jenny J Bean @ 10:07 pm

I’ve disappeared into a black hole. I guess, metaphorically speaking, it’s more like a whirlpool. I’m continuously moving and moving and moving, yet somehow still trapped. In my room. Out of my room. In my work. In my life. In my head… I don’t really have much to do or say when I feel like this. My thoughts run rampant, yet I have no desire to record them– because that means dealing with them, and sometimes it’s easier and healthier not to. I sort of just have to ride it out…. It’s that weird contradicting feeling of wanting to run and run and run but with no apparent will or reason to do it.

I ran. Literally. To the lighthouse on the Island– and laid down in a really cushy spot of grass and stared up at the few stars, clouds, and airplanes in the sky. It felt really intensely amazing for that moment. It was just me and the world. Then, when I made my peace, I turned around to run home. I didn’t really want to go home but there was no where else I wanted to be either. I guess if I had a car and was still in Dallas, this is the point where I would drive until I got tired and turn around and come home. Once, when I was 17 or 18, I drove to lord-knows-where Texas and back. It never felt quite as good as it should have– running to nowhere for no purpose– but it always felt right in those first few moments when I turned the key and started driving. It did today too. I get caught somewhere between the beauty of the freedom I find in the incredible, beautiful night with the lampposts that look like they were poached off the set of ‘Singing in the Rain’ next me on one side and the stunning view of Manhattan skyline over the East River on the other– and at the exact same time, fear that no amount of freedom, breathtaking or not, will ever be good enough.

If I wrote songs, this is the point where my life lyric would be something like “somehow I’m climbing and I’m falling but never I leave the ground…”


One Response to “Running. In a Whirlpool.”

  1. jack d Says:

    i can hear the song, thanks

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